: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
