Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
