i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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