Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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