I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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