I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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