you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
