Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
