Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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