imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
