Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
