Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
