Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
