After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
