I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
