Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
