Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
