I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
