im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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