We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize