after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
