I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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