Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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