All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
