I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Everclear isn't food dammit
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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