I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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