I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Apparently you make a good broom.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
