The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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