He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Farmville is her only friend.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
