Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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