Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
