My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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