ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
