umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
