I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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