you traded sex for a burrito?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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