Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
