Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You are the jesus of drinking
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
