My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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