i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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