Can i not drive my cunt home
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
