THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
