I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
