Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
