I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize