ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
