I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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