i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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