Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
