I seem to have left my pride at pride
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
