I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Randomize
