Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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