you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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