i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
