wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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