I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
