So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
BRING THE BAGELS
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
