i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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