im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
