When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
