I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
