I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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