a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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