you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
