I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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