I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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