i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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