ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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